A Drifter Among Us

There was a series of events and cast of characters that helped dig my spiritual “hole.” They were unplanned, unusual, and rather direct in their destruction. The church had played the role of primary grave digger, but it was supported in large part by a mixture of unhealthy relationships and steady abuse of substances.

I attended a Christian college in Lynchburg, Virginia to pursue ministry opportunities. In hindsight I think I was chasing after the favor of both man and God. When I arrived at college, I quickly became lost in the fold of a sub-culture I didn't fully understand and certainly didn't feel a part of. I quickly became reckless in my abandon of this very legalistic setting. I refused to accept the Sunday school answers when talking about real life struggles. I was shocked at how ignorant some could be about life outside of the "Christian School Bubble." I resented the rules that imposed upon my freedom and the perceived judgment I felt from other Christians. It was at this point I wanted nothing to do with the church.

So I took my hope that I had in God and put them in other things. Music, my girlfriend, controlling substances; they all substituted in and replaced a vacated faith. I languished for a period of time around the east coast, playing music, partying, forgetting as best as I could about God. Within the course of a year, a 3 year relationship with my girlfriend ended abruptly; my parents were going through a struggle that threatened their marriage, and I had become dependent upon alcohol and drugs to deal with my pain. These things left me badly shaken and near the bottom’s end. It was at this point I realized that everything stable in my life had failed me, while I had forsaken the one true constant.

At that time it had been years since I had given much thought of God. I realized that it wasn’t Him I resented; it was the things I let get in the way of Him that skewed my vision of His role in my life. I’ve always maintained a close relationship with Josh Dix. He’s been the big brother I never had. He took me out one day and we discussed our thoughts on our church experiences, becoming sickened by what we had perceived as an unreal faith, and finding redemption in what Christ had really come to earth to save. Josh had introduced me to The Journey where he had been leading worship, and I obliged to check it out if not more than as a thank you to him. I came to my first service and I was instantly hooked on the power of the message and the way it was communicated in a real and authentic way. For the first time in my life I was seeing Jesus' role as redeemer of my life.

Two years later here I am...at a realization that it doesn't matter if I'm better or worse off, but that His grace is enough. I'm what Brennan Manning refers to as a Ragamuffin. A person who is honest about their personal failings and knows they desperately need the grace and love of God; someone more concerned about finding an intimate relationship with God than fulfilling the expectations of cultural Christianity. This revelation dug me out of my grave and laid a foundation for Christ to use.