A Drifter Among Us

It's funny, there are some hard truths in the bible. Some are so hard to digest that many don't and simply push it off as contextual,mistranslated, or completely false. (I warn you of accepting that dangerous theology.) I have enough faith in God and reliance on the accuracy of the bible to accept most of which many find controversial. However, there is one simple truth that I keep coming back to. Honestly, it's becoming irritating as hell to me. It's like a pesky fly that won't leave you alone. It keeps buzzing in and around your ear, until finally you just have to stop what you're doing and end it. It is this hard truth that's become a fly to my ear and I need to deal with it.

That God is good.

"God is good." To me this phrase has become a mantra of sorts. I've heard it from the time I was a child in a dreadful Sunday School classroom. I can almost always associate this saying with the thousands of fake,plastic smiles I saw when people said it. Did they really mean it? If you cut away the prosperity in their life, would they have said the same thing? What do they even mean by good? And what's the deal with the smiles....all the time? Damn.

I have periods of time where I doubt God's goodness. It's particularly frustrating, when it feels as though my prayers aren't being answered or even heard. As an adolescent, I didn't perceive other's had the same sentiment so I learned to ignore my skepticism. I've been able to ignore it until now. What's to come is a verbal throwup of texts,quotes, and random thoughts. Get ready.

The reason I'm even writing tonight is because I don't know what else to do to work out the frustration I have. A very close friend is going through something that I cannot even begin to imagine. It's messing with my mental and spiritual hinges. It's not fair. It's not right. It's certainly not good.

When we make the statement that God is good, our natural tendency is to believe that if God is good and He loves mankind, then He will make life pleasant for us. Consequently, when things go well for us, we're inclined to think that God is good, and when they don't, we question His goodness or even His existence.

For argument's sake, there's a problem here whether you believe in God or not. The world we live in is messy and cruel. For some people, this is reason enough to let disbelief rule supreme. Tim Keller strips that reasoning down with this:

the problem of tragedy, suffering, and injustice is a problem for everyone. It is at least a big a problem for nonbelief in God as for belief. It is therefore a mistake, though an understandable one, to think that if you abandon belief in God it somehow makes the problem of evil easier to handle.

For some reason I felt the need to address that the problem of "goodness" is universal. From here, I'm going to proceed with the understanding that that there is a God and he has a reason for things...a good reason for things.

I think to the story of Job and the trials he went through. (Read it here) It is the honest portrayal of God allowing a good man to suffer. At first read, it seems his life becomes a game between God and Satan. Later in the story, it reveals God's loving authority and wisdom over human wisdom. It was faith that Job rested in alone, to believe that God is good despite everything that went on. In the depths of agony he could still proclaim, "I know that my Redeemer lives" (19:25) In the end God silenced all discussion with the truth that he alone is wise. He vindicated Job's trust in him, proving that genuine faith cannot be destroyed.

It seems that the fallacy of the heart is that we hold all wisdom. Who the hell are we to decide in our finite understanding, what is good or not?

We are not the center of the universe, not the reference point against which goodness can be judged. It sounds silly even to say it, but we act and think as though God's goodness depends on how well we like what's going on.

We are not in a position to judge the goodness of God's actions. We see too small a part of the overall picture - a picture that covers all of time and all of mankind.

Circumstances cannot be the barometer of God's love and goodness - only the cross can. And since the cross was designed, destined, and carried out by God's providential plan, shouldn't we put our faith in the goodness that came from that?

"If you have a God great and transcendent enough to be mad at because he hasn't stopped evil and suffering in the world, then you have (at the same moment) a God great and transcendent enough to have good reasons for allowing it to continue that you can't know." -Keller, The Reason For God.

I'm starting to believe those old Sunday school teachers now. I still doubt whether they truly believed it, but I'm glad they hammered it into my head. It is a fly that SHOULD not be shoo'd away. Sometimes it takes suffering to see serenity.

"We do not know how much of the pleasure even of life we owe to the intermingled sorrows. Joy [alone] cannot unfold the deepest truths, although deepest truth must be the deepest joy." - George MacDonald

I've been listening to John Mayer's "Wheel" nonstop this week. It's a simple tune, but I've been struck by the stripped down guitar playing mixed with lyrics that are laden with rich imagery and beautiful illustrations. It's quickly become my favorite in his catalogue.

People have the right to fly
And will when it gets compromised
Their hearts say "Move along"
Their minds say "Gotcha heart"
Let's move it along
Let's move it along

And airports
See it all the time
Where someone's last goodbye
Blends in with someone's sigh
Cause someone's coming home
In hand a single rose

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And I won't be the last
No I won't be the last,
To love her

And you can't build a house of leaves
And live like it's an evergreen
It's just a season thing
It's just this thing that seasons do

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now
And you won't be the first
No you won't be the first
To love me

You can find me, if you ever want again
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around the bend
I'll be around,
I'll be around
And if you never stop when you wave goodbye
You just might find if you give it time
You will wave hello again
You just might wave hello again

And that's the way this wheel keeps working now
That's the way this wheel keeps working now

You can't love too much, one part of it

I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me
I believe that my life's gonna see
The love I give
Return to me

I read an interview that Mayer gave about this song. He intro's the song as an existential double meaning; in the same way you love someone and they move along and you can't control it, you also are born into this world and then leave it, without a say. Despite that sort of morbid approach, Mayer twists the existentialism into a "carpe diem"-like upbeat mood... he warns us not too love one part of life too much: not money, not success, not even love. Because, as he says, in the end it all evens out. And that the way, this wheel, keeps working out...


"Cause I have a feeling it all evens out...
at the very end of your life,
you're gonna sit down at the table,
and you're gonna shuffle out the good and the bad,
and it's all gonna make perfect sense to you
when you figure out that in the accounting books
it comes up completely even...
and then you're gonna ask,
'Well, what was it all for?'
and they're gonna say, 'Well you did it, didn't you?'"

Maybe it's just me, but there is a distinct feeling of loss with regards to valuing the company of those who are well read. There was a time when we used to seek out those who were more than knowledgeable, more than conversant in this topic or that, but those who had the ability to discuss a wide variety of topics intelligently. We enjoyed the conversation because they were not limited to a single topic, field of study or discipline. It was the ability to draw the connections between two seemingly unrelated topics that we valued. In a lot of ways, the death of being well read is due to the rise of social media.

This is one thing I'm determined to change about myself this year: I want to reshape my literacy. Even though my mom was a teacher and placed an importance on reading, I never valued it innately. To change that, I'm trying to lay down a foundation for myself this year that hopefully will transform my reading habits. I have two literary goals this year that I'm a quarter of the way through accomplishing. (#4)I want to read at least a book a month and (#8) also read the bible in a year. It's been challenging at times, but I'm discovering some benefits of it.

Being well read gives you confidence at social gatherings as you would be sure of not being stuck talking, even about a simple topic like the weather, unless something tremendous happened to it recently. Being up-to-date in current affairs helps you keep your head high at social gatherings.

I heard it said once that 'reading is thinking.' I agree with that statement if you advance what was read through discussion. I think a solid foundation in literature, philosophy, and classics can provide you with the self-sufficiency to teach yourself and formulate your own philosophies. How you digest is how you learn.

So where does that leave you? Maybe it's time for you to turn off the tv, shut your laptop, sit down, and start reading. Want more culture? Want to understand the world and it's history? Ready to travel or adventure or reflect?

Remember, a well read life is not far from your reach. What’s important is not how many or what books you read, but rather if you are in touch with books throughout your life.

Be open minded, be dedicated and find the time to read. A well read mind is an engaged mind, a wise personality who can move well in society, with better decision making capabilities and a broader knowledge base.

On Saturday, the 20th day of March, in the year of our lord 2010, James Rennie will be going to see John Mayer play rhythm and blues from pit sits at the Savis Center.

However, this is not the first time James has had the opportunity to see Mayer. Case and point, summer 2008. Two tickets were made promptly available for James to use and because of his passion for the Cardinals he missed one of the biggest gatherings of swooning St. Louis females thine eyes have ever gazed upon. The tickets were wasted and an angel died because of it.

When opportunity arose again James stood resiliently and proclaimed:

"We will not go quietly into the night! We will not vanish without a fight!"- he didn't really say that, I just happened to watch Independence Day awhile back and love that speech....I digress.

It should be a good time. He is my brother.

Let me just take a quick moment to discuss a subject more near and dear to my heart. For countless people across this country there has been a huge problem lately with the quality of snack items at the local grocery and convenience store. I'm gonna be blunt and ask for chips and Butterfingers that don't stick to my teeth.

I have been asked to do an analysis of Continuum vs. Battle Studies. I have nothing really to say other than Continuum was better, hell, even John said it was better. I think the reason that Battle Studies wasn't as good was because he didn't commit one way or the other. What I mean is that his first two albumns could be considered pop, then with the Trio/Continuum/Live In L.A. CD's we see him switch to blues. With his newest cd he doesn't seem to know what direction to go and it leaves you wanting more of either the pop or the blues depending on your mood or taste preferences.

My brother must be pretty trusting of me, gave me his password to type a bunch of stuff on here. I could have put all sorts of wicked stuff, but I wont. I respect the man.

What I like about Mayer:

He is loved by the media, even when he screws up
He has an anxiety/personality disorder like me
He actually can play more than power chords
He openly points out hippocrates
He controls every interview I've seen him in from the second the tape starts rolling
He respects his elders- See Crossroads dvd
He has an education
He isn't the trendy concert to go to like Dave Matthews Band

What I dont like:


He played guitar for fall out boy on that beat it cover

I have yet to see this Mayer/Clapton compilation album that has been talked about

-M@

Baseball spring training has been under way for a little over 2 weeks now, and I have to admit, I love this time of year. I love thinking of how each team enters into the season with a fresh slate, with hopes of making a run to post-season play. Every fan wonders if this could be the year their team wins it all. This feeling only lasts a little while though, because after opening day, teams will no longer be tied. As the season progresses it becomes obvious, more and more, who the real contenders are. Finally the season ends with the spoils going to the victors and the 29 other teams looking on.

Alright, enough with the baseball talk for now. What I really want to get at is something that has come up in a book I just finished reading.(Wild at Heart) It's the idea of the "false self." For almost all of us, we are wounded. And most of the time the wound isn't shallow, but deep down into the core. The wound comes from our fathers or mothers. It comes from the scorn of a lover. It comes from neglect or embarrassment. It comes from never receiving the answers to our deep questions. "From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self."

I've been doing a lot of soul searching the past year. I guess it comes natural when you move out of the time of your life where you experience your "firsts." (first kiss,first car,first day of college, first drink, etc.) I came out of that time of my life with a lot of questions still that I have no answers to. Who am I really? What am I passionate about? Where do I find my adventure? Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful? Can I really love and be loved?

"Until a man knows he's a man he will forever be trying to prove he is one. while at the same time shrink from anything that might reveal he is not."
Somewhere, some way, I've forgotten my name. I tried to make up for it and find my identity in other ways. Music. School. Religion. Women. Unfortunately these have yielded unwelcome results. Cynicism. A biting sarcasm. Solitude. Selfishness. Narcissism. A sense of entitlement. But worse of all, I've picked up a need of affirmation.

I want to be well thought of, well-respected, and loved by everyone. I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. That usually means either lying, hurting someone else indirectly, or shrugging off things because it fits my "go with the flow" mentality. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've lost my spine and backed down from a fight or disagreement that needed to happen. I'm a bitch...but a well liked bitch.

This isn't who I want to be and it sure as hell isn't who I think God made me to be.

Wow. I just had a body shake. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now. But that's good every now and then.

To be honest with you, I'm fine to admit all of that. The problem I have is that I want to turn my inadequacies towards something. I take my few gifts that work for me, and I try to live off them. The impostor is my plan for salvation. More often then not, relationships are where we turn.

In Wild at Heart, John Eldredge warns,

"As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, these places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well...Stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her...A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name."

It may be getting ahead of myself, but I also look at Spring Training as a result of the year before. Players,coaches, managers,executives on mission to avenge the loss from the year before. You see, they start over with an awareness of what happened but an opportunity for something new. And that's where I want to put my focus on, the excitement and sense of wonder that comes from fresh starts.

In a way #44 on my list was symbolic. A fresh start. Shaving off all the old to make way for the new.



In each of us there is a blank canvas that holds the promise of action,life,and color. It is this redeeming quality that has lead many men and women to take drastic actions. There is a deep desire within us to spur the soul and it usually requires great tension to accomplish. Your canvas awaits to be explored, ventured, and filled.

I'll end this post with a Psalm that rang true to me this week.

"Behold you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart." -Psalm 51:6

I went and conquered #25 (rock climb at Upper Limits) off of my list tonight and I have to admit; I am no Sylvester Stallone. I've gone rock climbing before, but I was 12 years old and don't recall much from the experience. So naturally, going into this experience I considered myself a professional.

I was humbled pretty quickly.

Upper Limits was a really cool place. As soon as I walked in I was greeted by two massive walls and an overhang of sculpted climbing surfaces. At 35' tall, the main climbing area included slabs, aretes, roofs, dihedrals, cracks, and two massive arches. I was not prepared for any of this, so me and my friend Jonathon headed upstairs to start small.

The upstairs area was a little less intimidating. It was only 20' tall and had a lot of smaller bouldering challenges to warm up with. Bouldering, is climbing that is done close to the ground and is a good way to build strength, power and technique for climbing and does not require instruction. After about a half hour of figuring out footwork and movement along the wall, I was ready to start climbing.

With Jonathon belaying me, I was ready to top rope climb with the big boys. The top rope system consists of a climber tied into one end of the rope, the rope runs up through a set of anchors at the top of the climb then down to the belayer. The belayer's job is to take the slack out of the system as the climber goes up a route. Using a special device attached to the harness, the belayer can take in slack, hold a climber's fall, and lower the climber back to the ground when they are finished with the route. I did 4 top-rope climbs in total. The last of which was on the big wall. After a while, my hands started to give out. They weren't prepared for the stress that was put on them.

I plan on going back soon. It was an adrenaline rush to get to the top and look down at what you conquered. One day I hope to be as good as all the beautiful, trendy climbers that surrounded me tonight.