A Drifter Among Us

I've been reading through a new book recently, Through Painted Deserts, that is about a man's road trip in a beat up VW van with a friend. I came to an interesting point in the story where the author writes a note to his future self as he is sitting at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. After being struck by the honesty of what he said, I tweeted a question that I would now like for you to carefully consider. If you could write a letter to your future self, what reminder would you give about who you are now?

"Dear James,

I don't know where you are at in your life when you're reading this but if I know you like I think I do, then you've weathered quite a few seasons in your journey. I'm hopeful you've remained true to who you really are through them all. In case you forgot, you weren't so bad of a dude but you had become critical of friends, circumstances, and  expectations. You had placed an importance on money, and stuff, and people's admiration. Wherever you are right now, just remember that that stuff doesn't really matter and that a critical spirit can wound you in ways you don't even realize. It's better to just let go. You felt free and alive when you went sky-diving. Sometimes it takes facing death to show you how alive you really are. Even when you feel slightly paralyzed with fear, facing it is the only option of conquering it. The rush of adrenaline made you realize there's still a lot of living left to do. I hope you still feel that way. Do you remember that before you jumped out of that airplane, you had a beautiful conversation with God? The 20 minute ascent was spent reflecting on what led you to that point: family, traveling, music, girls, friendships, passions, heartaches, regrets, and lessons learned. During the free fall, everything disappeared and your only reaction was to laugh at yourself for being crazy enough to jump. When you finally reached the ground nothing from the past mattered. Money didn't matter. Stuff didn't matter. What people thought of you didn't matter. You were speechless. You were captivated by the adventure. Whoever you are right now, and whoever you are with, find the adventure and keep talking with God. If you have found a woman or have a child or two, the only thing that matters is the love you have for them. Go into your living room and dance with your wife. Visit your kid in his room and give them a kiss on the head and sit down and spend time with them. There is all kinds of beauty in this world that doesn't have a damn thing to do with your social standing. I just want to remind you that if you're feeling paralyzed by the heights of your problems, the faster you face them the quicker they disappear. If you're not where you want to be in life, if the job sucks, or the car keeps breaking down, or the house isn't big enough...don't worry about it. Lose your worries...life is going to be ok. Enjoy it while you can. If something seems too big to handle, you always have a little brother to go through it with you. He's the best friend God built for you so be good to him. That's really all I have to say right now. You really do have a good heart; I know sometimes it may seem cold but fight through it. I wish you nothing but the best. "

"Spiritual nature, like bodily nature, will be served; deny it food and it will gobble poison"           -C.S. Lewis

Over the past few weeks, I've noticed something creeping into my life. It was slow and subtle at first, the way you often find habits or feelings forming. I felt it in my thoughts with coworkers, feelings with friends, conversations with loved ones, and actions with those close to me. The deliberateness of it soon took control.

Have you ever heard the old saying that if a frog is placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death? Well that's where I'm at right now. I've let the toxins swell within me to a boil. I'm suffering from a critical spirit and it's poisoning me.

I'm not going to try to hammer out why, or where it comes from. That would be to exhausting to uncover and certainly to read. I sat through a sermon several weeks ago and something was said that I found enlightening and I think is an answer for how to deal with my criticism. We all pray. All of us. Even those with doubts of a deity.

Darrin, my pastor, reasoned that we've engaged in an idolatry of some degree in our life. Most of us, in our relationships. When we bitch and complain to our friends, it is taking the frustrations that we should be taking to God (vertically) and dispatching them instead to those we value above God (horizontally).

This is why my prayer life sucks. I treat God like most North-American Evangelical Christians treat one another; act like life is great on Sunday with people you have shallow connections with and then "get real" with the drinking buddies or sororiety sisters or high school best friends during the week.

It's just a thought for an idle Monday, but instead of letting the cynicism take control, take your frustrations vertical before you think of taking it horizontal.