A Drifter Among Us

It's been so long ago since I consistantly blogged that a lot has transpired over the course of a year. I got engaged in July to the woman of my dreams, Megan. Here's the story almost 10 months later:

I had agonized and stressed over it for a month. From the time I bought the ring, it had begun to burn a hole in my pocket. I had different ideas, but none really felt quite right.

Then the perfect plan came to me as we were sitting in church.

For the longest time, I had kept a journal. In it I wrote just about everything...thoughts, notes, passages from books, quotes from movies,TV or sermons, and events that occurred throughout each day. As I skimmed through the pages trying to get to the end, the entry from our first date caught my eye. Immediately I knew that I wanted her to see what I felt about her going all the way back to our beginning.

That Tuesday I called her up and asked her to come over to my apartment to meet me before "going out to dinner with friends." I had conveniently placed the journal on my coffee table so that I could nonchalantly tell her that there were some things I had journaled that I wanted to show her.

Before showing the entries to her, I made her promise not to make fun of me. She politely agreed so I very awkwardly walked over to my stereo and queued the iPod to play a few John Mayer tunes. (I'm a sucker for JM and needed to get the mood right!)

I opened the journal to our first "unofficial" date. (I thought I had made it clear, but she was oblivious) For those of you who don't know the story, Megan and I's first date ended up in the Emergency Room at Barnes Jewish after she fainted (twice) and hit her head on the ground pretty badly at a concert. I still like to think she was overcome by my presence! Anyways, I had kept the ER visitors pass from that night and had stuck it in my journal entry for Oct. 13.

I then flipped a few pages to where I had saved a receipt from a night we had awesome conversations at a local watering hole. A few more pages, and we were on the entry for our first "official date," where it was clearly defined that this wasn't just hanging out!

I then turned to the entry that told the story of our first kiss, and how nervous/excited I was about it.

There were a few entries after that where I wrote about feeling something strong for her and how I felt that God had been working on my heart for a very long time to prepare me for something that I was in the midst of.

There was the entry that contained our Valentine's Day, and contained the sweet card she made for me.

There was another card I had saved that she gave me when I had a bad week at work.

I flipped to the day where I told her I loved her for the first time.

Then, there was the entry a month later where she returned the sentiment.


I flipped through the rest of it pretty fast at that time because I had written about wanting to marry her, but I didn't want her to know that yet.

At that point, I handed over my journal to Megan and asked her to read the rest for herself. In the pages that followed I wrote out a note...to her...about what I loved about her.

"I love you because of how unique and mysterious you are to me. In you I found something that is refreshing, inspiring, and comfortable. My head and heart are wrapped up in the adventure of discovering new things about you.

I love you because your sweet smile brightens up the room you’re in. Your laugh is contagious and brings joy to my soul when I hear it. You have an inviting glow about you that has made an impression on me.

I love you because you have grace and beauty. You overlook all my little imperfections and see me as no one else does. There is a gentleness about you that I get lost in. You are comfortable with who you are and to me that is beautiful.

I love the warmth of your hugs. The way you cling to me makes me feel wonderfully loved and accepted.

I love your kisses. Your lips are sensuous and soft. I can never get enough of the thoughtfulness you show when you kiss me on the forehead or nose.

I love you because of the story of how we met. I know no coincidences exist, only divine intervention. God led me to you; I thank him nightly for that gift.

I love you because of your sense of adventure. You have a wild, imaginative, creative heart. You make me want to explore all there is with you.

I love you because I’ve had my share of heartbreak, but you have a redeeming quality that has restored me. I’ve dreamt of it, waited for it, cried for it, and needed it. Now with you, I have it."

7/19/2011

 

I love you just because.

 

You're my best friend,

 

You're my favorite everything,

 

Will you marry me?

My favorite cocktail

I did not blog in 2011

The great moments of your life won't necessarily be the things you do, they'll also be the things that happen to you. Now, I'm not saying you can't take action to affect the outcome of your life, you have to take action, and you will. But never forget that on any day, you can step out the front door and your whole life can change forever. You see, the universe has a plan, and that plan is always in motion. A butterfly flaps its wings, and it starts to rain. It's a scary thought but it's also kind of wonderful. All these little parts of the machine constantly working, making sure that you end up exactly where you're supposed to be, exactly when you're supposed to be there. The right place at the right time. 

When God needs to speak to you, he speaks into parts of your life you either don't expect or, more probable, into the parts of your life not yet turned over to him.

At what point in our development do we put away childish things and move on to adulthood? A most recent article in the New York Times suggest that America has fostered a culture where it's acceptable for 20 somethings to delay adulthood. Let me try to explain in short, while painting with a broad brush stroke.

 At issue is a generation that is stuck at home, sleeping in their childhood beds into their late 20's. If we've managed to get out, we're covering our expenses with mom and dad's plastic while jet-setting around the world. When we finally feel motivated, we jump from job to job to combat eventual disinterest in the mundane. We struggle with identity, confidence, commitment, and a long list of issues we will gladly bitch about before taking the time to correct. Relationships are treated as a library card, where swapping people in and out after using them for gain is completely acceptable. When we're finally ready to settle down and show our ambition, we are faced with the daunting task of playing catchup in the development that should have been taking place all along.

I can see it in my friends; I can see it in myself; and I don't like the visuals I'm processing.

I've had a few conversations with friends about this, and have gotten mixed feedback. Here are just a few thoughts I have about why this is happening.

Self-entitlement and Unrealistic Expectations
 We are not the generation of our grandparents and to a lesser extent our parents. We just aren't. Strong work ethic is something to be admired but not necessarily something to strive for. I see it in my work environment and in the lives of acquaintances. We expect the world to come knocking on our door and we wait anxiously to open up and have the opportunities come storming in. Let me give you an example.

 I have a good friend who graduated with honors in his respected major. After graduation he continued working at the same job he held throughout college. He didn't put out any resumes or work for internship opportunities or put himself in position for further schooling. One day I get an email that was sent to our core group of friends asking if we knew of an entry level  position that paid at least $60,000 a year,allowed him to travel, and covered almost all of his expenses. Wow! "Well, buddy...if I knew that job existed don't you think I probably would have been applying there myself?"

 I think part of this is self entitlement, but I also believe we were sold a bag of goods in school. We were told that we would never amount to anything unless we got our college education. Some of us took out loans that we will never be able to pay back, all the while chasing after an unrealistic expectation of what our paychecks would say. The current job market has all but abated this supposition. While the truth remains that most white collar jobs require (at least assumed) a college education, a college education in large part doesn't prepare you for the challenges of the corporate world. The biggest preparation for me was having gained experience from internships, previous jobs, and knowing how to interact and communicate effectively with people. These are things that our universities just don't cover.

We've lost ambition

Wonder why there's a disconnect between the way we picture ourselves and the way we are perceived? Maybe you have a hard time feeling excited or ambitious about what is going on in your life - career, school, relationships, etc. At some point we have felt enriched by fulfilling potential and achieving the goals we believed to be important in life. When those goals are reached and the targets you had set your eyes on are now things of the past, we often fail to replace them with equally meaningful goals. Unless we are feeling stimulated in our progressive pursuit of goals life seems to stall somewhat.

Ambition requires fresh ideas, new ways of thinking through problems, and overcoming challenges and obstacles that threaten to entangle us. More importantly it requires us to constantly evaluate ourselves and set the bar to higher levels. When I think of my own lack of ambition, I see a deep-rooted problem of finding too much satisfaction in being entertained rather than challenged. The distraction of what we find comfort in takes our eyes off of what we dream for.

There's also this: Cynicism is a killer of ambition, and we have a large infestation. I wonder sometimes if I have anything worthwhile to say. Cynicism asks "Why would anyone be interested in what I have to say?"  "Do people value my input?" "Am I important?" This sort of thinking spawns from letting fear and other's intentions enter our creative process.

We need to find our appetite to move forward to greater levels again, and reawaken the ambition that is inside us all. Society wants us to succeed, but without failure, but keep in mind that failure is just just a start of a lesson not an end.

What are your thoughts? I'd love to keep the conversation going. What else do you see?

(I plan on writing a blog on lessons we've learned while delaying adulthood and how it may not be all bad. Just an F.Y.I. for those of you overwhelmed by the negativity of this post.)

 "Men are not content with a simple life: they are acquisitive, ambitious, competitive, and jealous; they tire of what they have, and pine for what they have not; and they seldom desire anything unless it belongs to others."
-Plato