A Drifter Among Us

Don't get me wrong, a comfortable life is really not that bad. But I needed a change. I had just gotten out of a relationship and I was feeling pretty drained. I felt like I had been slowly shutting myself down. I was exhausted, I was bitter, I was angry that my life felt ordinary. Feeling as if my time was running out, I realized quickly that the window for many unbelievable experiences is only open for a limited time.

As I'm sure some of you may have noticed, I've been writing a lot lately about a "list." It started out innocently enough by my friend and roommate Chris having an idea of listing out things he wanted to accomplish in the new year. It was New Years Day after all, and it was appropriate to come up with resolutions. As the ideas slowly developed, it became much more than resolutions. It became a list of narratives to live out.

There were 2 guidelines to follow: 1)It had to be within reason to accomplish and 2)it could not violate our morals/law. So with those guidelines we sat in a neighborhood bar in South City, brainstorming ideas for a bucket list to accomplish in a year. We grabbed a bar napkin and started writing. We asked the question "What would you like to do with your life before the end of the year?" to our waitress, our bartender, and after changing locations, to a table of 4 attractive, college age women.

(Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this sounds a lot like the show on MTV right now and my response is: "yeah, you're right." In our defense the show had not come out until a month after we started. And if Chris knew anything of the show beforehand I was completely oblivious to it.)

Anyways, when we drafted the initial list, the three of us said we would all do it. Aric quickly bailed, and I dragged my feet for a few weeks. Meanwhile, Chris started living with purpose after that night. I saw him sacrifice, be humbled, gain confidence, and find joy with it. In that I found my motivation to finally join him.

A few other things happened that really got me moving, I'll share those stories one day. But for now, here it is: my 2010 bucket list. 52 things I hope to accomplish by years end. There are a lot of items listed that are intended to challenge my comfort level or challenge me physically. There are also a few things that I've always wanted to do in addition to a few soft-balls to keep me rolling. I'll try to write about each one as they come along. I've completed 10 so far, so my list is far from complete.

If you find yourself thinking of drafting a list, consider this question: Who do you want to be this year?

All the best,
James

(P.S. Oh also, if any of these interest you and you'd like to do it with me, send me a message or comment below)

1.     Write a song and perform it at an open mic night

2.     Encourage at least one person a day for a week

3.     Mentor someone by year’s end

4.     Read a book a month (one month read a book with a friend and have a discussion on it)

5.     Blog at least once a week for 3 months

6.     Have a “yes” day

7.     Have a friend make all decisions for 24 hours

8.     Read the bible in a year

9.     Paint something

10.   Write a short story

11.   Fast for 24 hours

12.   Go to a winery

13.   1 month without vice*

14.   2 month alcohol fast

15.   Take a train trip spur of the moment

16.   Take my camera everywhere for 1 month

17.   Digital Cleanse

18.   Weekend Trip somewhere new

19.   Hike

20.   Kayak

21.   Mountain Bike on a trail

22.   Right a wrong

23.   See my grandpa’s grave

24.   Skydive with Matt

25.   Rock climb at upper limits

26.   Embarrass Aric in public

27.   Go to Soulard Market

28.   Captain a team for Mission St. Louis

29.   Camp alone at Huzzah (end of March, April)

30.   Go to Cardinals Opening Day

31.   Put this list on display

32.   Surprise Someone

33.   Journal every day

34.   Deer Hunt

35.   Invest in 401K

36.   Enroll in Grad School

37.   5 in 5 *

38.   Buy Keg Beer & host a party- see what happens/who comes over

39.   Fast Eddie’s

40.   Read a book in one day

41.   Smoke Pipe Tobacco

42.   Grow a plant

43.   Be 100% opinionated on everything for 1 day

44.   Shave my head

45.   Offer to do a favor for someone I really don’t want to do

46.   Make a decision based on Paper,Rock,Scizzors

47.   Run a 5K

48.   Theology at the bottleworks

49.   Cannot spend money for an entire week

50.   Meet Matt Holiday

51.   Friends choice

52.   52 Tattoo if list is completed

*Details not important

It didn't happen on purpose. For some people these sort of things you just slip into. The temptation just wasn't there for me until I got involved in the music scene out east. I didn't have my first taste of alcohol or smoke until I was 19. Once I started though, it was something I found easy to indulge in.

I wouldn't consider myself a heavy drinker by any means, but I enjoy an occasional spirit from time to time. And sometimes I enjoy too much of it. From the time I was 20 until now, I can't, for the life of me, remember a time I've gone a significant period without having a drink. I'm realizing now how much of a crutch my vices have become to me as I'm going through a 2 month alcohol fast.

Drinking is a crazy thing. It is so nestled into the very fiber of our social lives. For a majority of us, we dedicate at least two nights a week (Friday,Saturday) to socializing with friends, maybe family, over a few drinks and lively conversation. I'm starting to doubt whether we as a society know how to interact with one another without the comfort of a glass bottle in our hands.

We've connected consumption with enjoyment but disconnected our head from our hearts.

It's been only two weeks since I started my fast, and for the most part my life has been pretty uneventful. Last night I had to force myself to leave my apartment for some sort of interaction with the world outside. I discovered it's sort of a lonely world out there if you you're not a drinker. I went to the mall and then went and saw a movie with my roommate. Aside from the fact that the movie was great, I wouldn't consider this too lively of an evening.

I'm realizing that there are many things that I'm not sufficient in. This will never change as hard as I try. I may not, at this point, have physical ailments, but I definitely have ailments in my character and behavior. All I can do is seek what needs to be opened in my life. "Ephphatha." As the two months of this year have progressed I've done more abstaining and unselfish things than I've done for quite sometime. I'm a work a progress, yes. But I know that without the help of a loving savior I'll never be open and exposed to the life I've been created for. There's a secret to my heart somewhere out there that I'm on an adventure to find.

And they brought to him a man who was deaf and had a speech impediment, and they begged him to lay his hand on him. And taking him aside from the crowd privately, he put his fingers into his ears, and after spitting touched his tongue. And looking up to heaven, he sighed and said to him, “Ephphatha,” that is, “Be opened.” And his ears were opened, his tongue was released, and he spoke plainly.

-Mark 7: 32-35

I spent some time this week reflecting on the people in my life that are important and the people that need encouragement. By nature, I think most people are self-absorbed and it's one of my least favorite qualities.

A lack of encouragement is often at the root of a variety of ills that bog down relationships or stunt the work of progress. Giving a word of encouragement has never came easy to me. In a way, I've always figured that a person should just know how I feel or that their praises should come from someone else. When I take a look at the root cause, it really boils down to a lack of humility.

This week I spent all seven days encouraging at least one person a day. Some were easy, some were hard and awkward. The point of it all was to buoy relationships with a taste of gratitude and a word of support. Gratitude and encouragement is a fuel that can keep people in our life running and that's what I hope I accomplished this week.

Say your thank-you's to the people in your life that got you where you're at. Praise the people that are fighting the good fight and often times go unnoticed. This can be done with a simple text, phone call, post it note in the morning, email, or best in person. So take some time, give a someone a good word.

I had a conversation with a stranger tonight that got me thinking; this is a wild trip we're all on. What steers us and shapes us into whom we are is a complicated matter. The way events intersect or run parallel with one another can alter our course. Often, when we look back on things, it’s easy to identify turning points that changed us. But sometimes it’s problematic to see what has shaped our present condition because the story is still being played out. My story is radically different from yours, and yours different from the next person.

Anyways, tonight was a reminder that people can change for the better and that it’s not always the opposite. The guy I met up with tonight realized there was a problem in his life and the only way he was going to overcome it was to remove himself from the environment that led him there. That takes balls.

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I want to be and who I currently am. I’m sleeping less and less because of it. The reason why is because I know it will take some heavy lifting to change things about myself. I consider myself this: irony personified. That was a humbling revelation to write out.

One of my favorite quotes is from Brennan Manning’s Ragamuffin Gospel;

When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games.

I guess my point to all of this is that I want to fix the indiscretion there seems to be between my ideals and my reality. I’ve created a gulf that can only be shored up by me. Part of the reason me and my roommate are doing the bucket list in a year is to make a conscious effort to get uncomfortable and see what we learn from new experiences.

As my roommate told me “You’re only on this earth once, might as well get weird with it.”

I did a 24 hour fast today. I got to lunch and I was ready to cave. The last nine hours of it I spent in prayer and deep thoughts. Being hungry is miserable. It isn't fun. There was a point where I was so hungry that I wasn't hungry anymore.

I did it for several reasons. It's on my bucket list. There are things and people in my life that needed prayer for. I was seeking clarity.

So we fasted and implored our God for this, and he listened to our entreaty. -Ezra 8:23

Needless to say. I'm hungry now.

Taking a trip to Columbia this weekend to see about a girl.

Will: So, when did you know, like, that she was the one for you?
Sean: October 21st, 1975.
Will: Jesus Christ. You know the fuckin' date?
Sean: Oh yeah. 'Cause it was Game 6 of the World Series. Biggest game in Red Sox history.
Will: Yeah, sure.
Sean: My friends and I had, you know, slept out on the sidewalk all night to get tickets.
Will: You got tickets?
Sean: Yep. Day of the game. I was sittin' in a bar, waitin' for the game to start, and in walks this girl. Oh, it was an amazing game, though. You know, bottom of the eighth, Carbo ties it up at 6-6. It went to twelve. Bottom of the twelfth, in stepped Carlton Fisk. Old Pudge. Steps up to the plate, you know, and he's got that weird stance.
Will: Yeah, yeah.
Sean: And BAM! He clocks it. High fly ball down the left field line! Thirty-five thousand people, on their feet, yellin' at the ball, but that's not because of Fisk. He's wavin' at the ball like a madman.
Will: Yeah, I've seen...
Sean: He's going, "Get over! Get over! Get OVER!" And then it HITS the foul pole. OH, he goes apeshit, and 35,000 fans, you know, they charge the field, you know?
Will: Yeah, and he's fuckin' bowlin' police out of the way!
Sean: Goin', "God! Get out of the way! Get 'em away!" Banging people...
Will: I can't fuckin' believe you had tickets to that fuckin' game!
Sean: Yeah!
Will: Did you rush the field?
Sean: [surprised at the question] No, I didn't rush the fuckin' field; I wasn't there.
Will: What?
Sean: No - I was in a bar havin' a drink with my future wife.
Will: You missed Pudge Fisk's home run?
Sean: Oh, yeah.
Will: To have a fuckin' drink with some lady you never met?
Sean: Yeah, but you shoulda seen her; she was a stunner.

Will: I don't care if Helen of Troy walks in the room, that's Game 6!
Sean: Oh, Helen of Troy...
Will: Oh my God; and who are these fuckin' friends of yours, they let you get away with that?
Sean: Oh... they had to.
Will: W-w-w-what'd you say to them?
Sean: I just slid my ticket across the table, and I said, "Sorry, guys; I gotta see about a girl."
Will: I gotta go see about a girl?
Sean: Yeah.
Will: That's what you said? And they let you get away with that?
Sean: Oh, yeah. They saw in my eyes that I meant it.
Will: You're kiddin' me.
Sean: No, I'm not kiddin' you, Will. That's why I'm not talkin' right now about some girl I saw at a bar twenty years ago and how I always regretted not going over and talking to her. I don't regret the 18 years I was married to Nancy. I don't regret the six years I had to give up counseling when she got sick. And I don't regret the last years when she got really sick. And I sure as hell don't regret missin' the damn game. That's regret.
[pause]
Will: Wow... Woulda been nice to catch that game, though.
Sean: [sheepishly] I didn't know Pudge was gonna hit a homer.

-Good Will Hunting