A Drifter Among Us

And Moses said to the people, “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” Exodus 14:13-14

A month back I read this verse while reading my way through the bible this year. And while it read pretty and powerful and oddly relevant, I tucked it away and continued on. Weeks came and went; life was good. I was feeling liberated from some of the pressures I had felt. Like a sponge to water, my issues had finally felt absorbed. And then - BAM!!! I was wrung out. Having been told something that sent me into an emotional coma for a day or so, I felt the helplessness that the people of Israel felt. What I went through was nothing I haven't felt before: Fear, Anxiety, Anger, Malice. The emotions were more intense this time. I couldn't fight for myself, I needed someone else to.

In that moment I couldn't see what the salvation of the Lord looked like. My emotions had temporarily blinded me. If I'm honest with you, and I think you deserve that, I've been living in fear for years. I had learned to mask it well to the casual observer. When, in my blindness, I was forced to deal with my fear, I learned how deep the roots of it had become.

Isn't it ironic the things we fear are the same things we respect? It just looks a little different. For instance, you cannot have a fear of heights without having a respect of how miniscule you are when towering 500 feet above something. Those who have a healthy fear (i.e. being afraid, not living in fear) are those who have proportionate veneration. So when contemplating fear, one must also give thought to where/who/what too much reverence is being given to.

In my comatose state, I reflected on this. I had just heard a sermon the previous Saturday regarding how affirmation idols (those people or things we seek affirmation from) can cause people to live in fear (being driven by their fear) and I was sure I was getting to the root of it. So as I sorted through my personal inventory, I identified that I value acceptance from people way too much. This is no surprise; I've written about it before here.

"Ok, great. I already know that about myself. So what's my fear? Why am I so driven to earn people's acceptance? Why am I wrecked when I don't recieve it?" My inner dialogue was revved up pretty rampant at that point. *sigh* "So what is it?"

Rejection.
Complete rejection.
The nothing-you-ever-do-will-be-good-enough-rejection.

"Wow... I need to see a counselor.....Where's my bourbon?"

Out of my fear of rejection I had built walls that, in return, had constructed rooms, many of which I was uncognizant of. My fear had driven me to shallowness in the relationships I was in. It had pushed many people away. The people that most wanted my attention were the people I avoided. I had returned the hurt that I felt. My fear had driven me into a viscous, repeating cycle. People reacted to me differently, which caused anger to swell up inside of me. My anger was a result of feeling the need to be in power at all times, and when I wasn't, bitterness and malice took control.

I'm just now understanding the extent of my brokenness.

Coming out of my "emotional coma," I felt a renewed peace about things. I wasn't going to heal if I didn't let go of the emotional baggage that was robbing me. The only thing in life worth fearing, is God. A healthy fear is caused by a healthy respect. Knowing that I'm accepted by God, not because of anything I did or can ever do, but on account of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. That's a sobering idea to let your heart take grasp of.

Anger towards people will kill you emotionally,spiritually, and physically. When you are fast to anger then something is wrong. It is usually a result of an underlying issue. For me it was a result of losing control of people's actions or their reaction to the things I said or did. The way to purge anger from your life is by showing kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness. That last one is hard for me. It's hard because it is a conscious decision to absorb the wrong done to you. BUT, having received forgiveness, it's wrong not to offer that myself.

Anxiousness is a byproduct of these things. The way you deal with anxiety is through prayer and a lumination of God's goodness.

 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."-Phillipians 4:4-7

Fear not, stand firm, GROW A PAIR and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the FEAR, ANGER, NEGLECT, ANXIETY,  etc. whom you see today, you shall never see again.

These things were worked out for me in my time of solidarity. Maybe that's what the heart needs sometimes.

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.

Don't get me wrong, a comfortable life is really not that bad. But I needed a change. I had just gotten out of a relationship and I was feeling pretty drained. I felt like I had been slowly shutting myself down. I was exhausted, I was bitter, I was angry that my life felt ordinary. Feeling as if my time was running out, I realized quickly that the window for many unbelievable experiences is only open for a limited time.

As I'm sure some of you may have noticed, I've been writing a lot lately about a "list." It started out innocently enough by my friend and roommate Chris having an idea of listing out things he wanted to accomplish in the new year. It was New Years Day after all, and it was appropriate to come up with resolutions. As the ideas slowly developed, it became much more than resolutions. It became a list of narratives to live out.

There were 2 guidelines to follow: 1)It had to be within reason to accomplish and 2)it could not violate our morals/law. So with those guidelines we sat in a neighborhood bar in South City, brainstorming ideas for a bucket list to accomplish in a year. We grabbed a bar napkin and started writing. We asked the question "What would you like to do with your life before the end of the year?" to our waitress, our bartender, and after changing locations, to a table of 4 attractive, college age women.

(Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this sounds a lot like the show on MTV right now and my response is: "yeah, you're right." In our defense the show had not come out until a month after we started. And if Chris knew anything of the show beforehand I was completely oblivious to it.)

Anyways, when we drafted the initial list, the three of us said we would all do it. Aric quickly bailed, and I dragged my feet for a few weeks. Meanwhile, Chris started living with purpose after that night. I saw him sacrifice, be humbled, gain confidence, and find joy with it. In that I found my motivation to finally join him.

A few other things happened that really got me moving, I'll share those stories one day. But for now, here it is: my 2010 bucket list. 52 things I hope to accomplish by years end. There are a lot of items listed that are intended to challenge my comfort level or challenge me physically. There are also a few things that I've always wanted to do in addition to a few soft-balls to keep me rolling. I'll try to write about each one as they come along. I've completed 10 so far, so my list is far from complete.

If you find yourself thinking of drafting a list, consider this question: Who do you want to be this year?

All the best,
James

(P.S. Oh also, if any of these interest you and you'd like to do it with me, send me a message or comment below)

1.     Write a song and perform it at an open mic night

2.     Encourage at least one person a day for a week

3.     Mentor someone by year’s end

4.     Read a book a month (one month read a book with a friend and have a discussion on it)

5.     Blog at least once a week for 3 months

6.     Have a “yes” day

7.     Have a friend make all decisions for 24 hours

8.     Read the bible in a year

9.     Paint something

10.   Write a short story

11.   Fast for 24 hours

12.   Go to a winery

13.   1 month without vice*

14.   2 month alcohol fast

15.   Take a train trip spur of the moment

16.   Take my camera everywhere for 1 month

17.   Digital Cleanse

18.   Weekend Trip somewhere new

19.   Hike

20.   Kayak

21.   Mountain Bike on a trail

22.   Right a wrong

23.   See my grandpa’s grave

24.   Skydive with Matt

25.   Rock climb at upper limits

26.   Embarrass Aric in public

27.   Go to Soulard Market

28.   Captain a team for Mission St. Louis

29.   Camp alone at Huzzah (end of March, April)

30.   Go to Cardinals Opening Day

31.   Put this list on display

32.   Surprise Someone

33.   Journal every day

34.   Deer Hunt

35.   Invest in 401K

36.   Enroll in Grad School

37.   5 in 5 *

38.   Buy Keg Beer & host a party- see what happens/who comes over

39.   Fast Eddie’s

40.   Read a book in one day

41.   Smoke Pipe Tobacco

42.   Grow a plant

43.   Be 100% opinionated on everything for 1 day

44.   Shave my head

45.   Offer to do a favor for someone I really don’t want to do

46.   Make a decision based on Paper,Rock,Scizzors

47.   Run a 5K

48.   Theology at the bottleworks

49.   Cannot spend money for an entire week

50.   Meet Matt Holiday

51.   Friends choice

52.   52 Tattoo if list is completed

*Details not important