A Drifter Among Us

I've been reading through a new book recently, Through Painted Deserts, that is about a man's road trip in a beat up VW van with a friend. I came to an interesting point in the story where the author writes a note to his future self as he is sitting at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. After being struck by the honesty of what he said, I tweeted a question that I would now like for you to carefully consider. If you could write a letter to your future self, what reminder would you give about who you are now?

"Dear James,

I don't know where you are at in your life when you're reading this but if I know you like I think I do, then you've weathered quite a few seasons in your journey. I'm hopeful you've remained true to who you really are through them all. In case you forgot, you weren't so bad of a dude but you had become critical of friends, circumstances, and  expectations. You had placed an importance on money, and stuff, and people's admiration. Wherever you are right now, just remember that that stuff doesn't really matter and that a critical spirit can wound you in ways you don't even realize. It's better to just let go. You felt free and alive when you went sky-diving. Sometimes it takes facing death to show you how alive you really are. Even when you feel slightly paralyzed with fear, facing it is the only option of conquering it. The rush of adrenaline made you realize there's still a lot of living left to do. I hope you still feel that way. Do you remember that before you jumped out of that airplane, you had a beautiful conversation with God? The 20 minute ascent was spent reflecting on what led you to that point: family, traveling, music, girls, friendships, passions, heartaches, regrets, and lessons learned. During the free fall, everything disappeared and your only reaction was to laugh at yourself for being crazy enough to jump. When you finally reached the ground nothing from the past mattered. Money didn't matter. Stuff didn't matter. What people thought of you didn't matter. You were speechless. You were captivated by the adventure. Whoever you are right now, and whoever you are with, find the adventure and keep talking with God. If you have found a woman or have a child or two, the only thing that matters is the love you have for them. Go into your living room and dance with your wife. Visit your kid in his room and give them a kiss on the head and sit down and spend time with them. There is all kinds of beauty in this world that doesn't have a damn thing to do with your social standing. I just want to remind you that if you're feeling paralyzed by the heights of your problems, the faster you face them the quicker they disappear. If you're not where you want to be in life, if the job sucks, or the car keeps breaking down, or the house isn't big enough...don't worry about it. Lose your worries...life is going to be ok. Enjoy it while you can. If something seems too big to handle, you always have a little brother to go through it with you. He's the best friend God built for you so be good to him. That's really all I have to say right now. You really do have a good heart; I know sometimes it may seem cold but fight through it. I wish you nothing but the best. "

And Moses said to the people, “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” Exodus 14:13-14

A month back I read this verse while reading my way through the bible this year. And while it read pretty and powerful and oddly relevant, I tucked it away and continued on. Weeks came and went; life was good. I was feeling liberated from some of the pressures I had felt. Like a sponge to water, my issues had finally felt absorbed. And then - BAM!!! I was wrung out. Having been told something that sent me into an emotional coma for a day or so, I felt the helplessness that the people of Israel felt. What I went through was nothing I haven't felt before: Fear, Anxiety, Anger, Malice. The emotions were more intense this time. I couldn't fight for myself, I needed someone else to.

In that moment I couldn't see what the salvation of the Lord looked like. My emotions had temporarily blinded me. If I'm honest with you, and I think you deserve that, I've been living in fear for years. I had learned to mask it well to the casual observer. When, in my blindness, I was forced to deal with my fear, I learned how deep the roots of it had become.

Isn't it ironic the things we fear are the same things we respect? It just looks a little different. For instance, you cannot have a fear of heights without having a respect of how miniscule you are when towering 500 feet above something. Those who have a healthy fear (i.e. being afraid, not living in fear) are those who have proportionate veneration. So when contemplating fear, one must also give thought to where/who/what too much reverence is being given to.

In my comatose state, I reflected on this. I had just heard a sermon the previous Saturday regarding how affirmation idols (those people or things we seek affirmation from) can cause people to live in fear (being driven by their fear) and I was sure I was getting to the root of it. So as I sorted through my personal inventory, I identified that I value acceptance from people way too much. This is no surprise; I've written about it before here.

"Ok, great. I already know that about myself. So what's my fear? Why am I so driven to earn people's acceptance? Why am I wrecked when I don't recieve it?" My inner dialogue was revved up pretty rampant at that point. *sigh* "So what is it?"

Rejection.
Complete rejection.
The nothing-you-ever-do-will-be-good-enough-rejection.

"Wow... I need to see a counselor.....Where's my bourbon?"

Out of my fear of rejection I had built walls that, in return, had constructed rooms, many of which I was uncognizant of. My fear had driven me to shallowness in the relationships I was in. It had pushed many people away. The people that most wanted my attention were the people I avoided. I had returned the hurt that I felt. My fear had driven me into a viscous, repeating cycle. People reacted to me differently, which caused anger to swell up inside of me. My anger was a result of feeling the need to be in power at all times, and when I wasn't, bitterness and malice took control.

I'm just now understanding the extent of my brokenness.

Coming out of my "emotional coma," I felt a renewed peace about things. I wasn't going to heal if I didn't let go of the emotional baggage that was robbing me. The only thing in life worth fearing, is God. A healthy fear is caused by a healthy respect. Knowing that I'm accepted by God, not because of anything I did or can ever do, but on account of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. That's a sobering idea to let your heart take grasp of.

Anger towards people will kill you emotionally,spiritually, and physically. When you are fast to anger then something is wrong. It is usually a result of an underlying issue. For me it was a result of losing control of people's actions or their reaction to the things I said or did. The way to purge anger from your life is by showing kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness. That last one is hard for me. It's hard because it is a conscious decision to absorb the wrong done to you. BUT, having received forgiveness, it's wrong not to offer that myself.

Anxiousness is a byproduct of these things. The way you deal with anxiety is through prayer and a lumination of God's goodness.

 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."-Phillipians 4:4-7

Fear not, stand firm, GROW A PAIR and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the FEAR, ANGER, NEGLECT, ANXIETY,  etc. whom you see today, you shall never see again.

These things were worked out for me in my time of solidarity. Maybe that's what the heart needs sometimes.

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.