A Drifter Among Us

I've been reading through a new book recently, Through Painted Deserts, that is about a man's road trip in a beat up VW van with a friend. I came to an interesting point in the story where the author writes a note to his future self as he is sitting at the bottom of the Grand Canyon. After being struck by the honesty of what he said, I tweeted a question that I would now like for you to carefully consider. If you could write a letter to your future self, what reminder would you give about who you are now?

"Dear James,

I don't know where you are at in your life when you're reading this but if I know you like I think I do, then you've weathered quite a few seasons in your journey. I'm hopeful you've remained true to who you really are through them all. In case you forgot, you weren't so bad of a dude but you had become critical of friends, circumstances, and  expectations. You had placed an importance on money, and stuff, and people's admiration. Wherever you are right now, just remember that that stuff doesn't really matter and that a critical spirit can wound you in ways you don't even realize. It's better to just let go. You felt free and alive when you went sky-diving. Sometimes it takes facing death to show you how alive you really are. Even when you feel slightly paralyzed with fear, facing it is the only option of conquering it. The rush of adrenaline made you realize there's still a lot of living left to do. I hope you still feel that way. Do you remember that before you jumped out of that airplane, you had a beautiful conversation with God? The 20 minute ascent was spent reflecting on what led you to that point: family, traveling, music, girls, friendships, passions, heartaches, regrets, and lessons learned. During the free fall, everything disappeared and your only reaction was to laugh at yourself for being crazy enough to jump. When you finally reached the ground nothing from the past mattered. Money didn't matter. Stuff didn't matter. What people thought of you didn't matter. You were speechless. You were captivated by the adventure. Whoever you are right now, and whoever you are with, find the adventure and keep talking with God. If you have found a woman or have a child or two, the only thing that matters is the love you have for them. Go into your living room and dance with your wife. Visit your kid in his room and give them a kiss on the head and sit down and spend time with them. There is all kinds of beauty in this world that doesn't have a damn thing to do with your social standing. I just want to remind you that if you're feeling paralyzed by the heights of your problems, the faster you face them the quicker they disappear. If you're not where you want to be in life, if the job sucks, or the car keeps breaking down, or the house isn't big enough...don't worry about it. Lose your worries...life is going to be ok. Enjoy it while you can. If something seems too big to handle, you always have a little brother to go through it with you. He's the best friend God built for you so be good to him. That's really all I have to say right now. You really do have a good heart; I know sometimes it may seem cold but fight through it. I wish you nothing but the best. "

Baseball spring training has been under way for a little over 2 weeks now, and I have to admit, I love this time of year. I love thinking of how each team enters into the season with a fresh slate, with hopes of making a run to post-season play. Every fan wonders if this could be the year their team wins it all. This feeling only lasts a little while though, because after opening day, teams will no longer be tied. As the season progresses it becomes obvious, more and more, who the real contenders are. Finally the season ends with the spoils going to the victors and the 29 other teams looking on.

Alright, enough with the baseball talk for now. What I really want to get at is something that has come up in a book I just finished reading.(Wild at Heart) It's the idea of the "false self." For almost all of us, we are wounded. And most of the time the wound isn't shallow, but deep down into the core. The wound comes from our fathers or mothers. It comes from the scorn of a lover. It comes from neglect or embarrassment. It comes from never receiving the answers to our deep questions. "From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self."

I've been doing a lot of soul searching the past year. I guess it comes natural when you move out of the time of your life where you experience your "firsts." (first kiss,first car,first day of college, first drink, etc.) I came out of that time of my life with a lot of questions still that I have no answers to. Who am I really? What am I passionate about? Where do I find my adventure? Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful? Can I really love and be loved?

"Until a man knows he's a man he will forever be trying to prove he is one. while at the same time shrink from anything that might reveal he is not."
Somewhere, some way, I've forgotten my name. I tried to make up for it and find my identity in other ways. Music. School. Religion. Women. Unfortunately these have yielded unwelcome results. Cynicism. A biting sarcasm. Solitude. Selfishness. Narcissism. A sense of entitlement. But worse of all, I've picked up a need of affirmation.

I want to be well thought of, well-respected, and loved by everyone. I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. That usually means either lying, hurting someone else indirectly, or shrugging off things because it fits my "go with the flow" mentality. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've lost my spine and backed down from a fight or disagreement that needed to happen. I'm a bitch...but a well liked bitch.

This isn't who I want to be and it sure as hell isn't who I think God made me to be.

Wow. I just had a body shake. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now. But that's good every now and then.

To be honest with you, I'm fine to admit all of that. The problem I have is that I want to turn my inadequacies towards something. I take my few gifts that work for me, and I try to live off them. The impostor is my plan for salvation. More often then not, relationships are where we turn.

In Wild at Heart, John Eldredge warns,

"As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, these places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well...Stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her...A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name."

It may be getting ahead of myself, but I also look at Spring Training as a result of the year before. Players,coaches, managers,executives on mission to avenge the loss from the year before. You see, they start over with an awareness of what happened but an opportunity for something new. And that's where I want to put my focus on, the excitement and sense of wonder that comes from fresh starts.

In a way #44 on my list was symbolic. A fresh start. Shaving off all the old to make way for the new.



In each of us there is a blank canvas that holds the promise of action,life,and color. It is this redeeming quality that has lead many men and women to take drastic actions. There is a deep desire within us to spur the soul and it usually requires great tension to accomplish. Your canvas awaits to be explored, ventured, and filled.

I'll end this post with a Psalm that rang true to me this week.

"Behold you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart." -Psalm 51:6

I went and conquered #25 (rock climb at Upper Limits) off of my list tonight and I have to admit; I am no Sylvester Stallone. I've gone rock climbing before, but I was 12 years old and don't recall much from the experience. So naturally, going into this experience I considered myself a professional.

I was humbled pretty quickly.

Upper Limits was a really cool place. As soon as I walked in I was greeted by two massive walls and an overhang of sculpted climbing surfaces. At 35' tall, the main climbing area included slabs, aretes, roofs, dihedrals, cracks, and two massive arches. I was not prepared for any of this, so me and my friend Jonathon headed upstairs to start small.

The upstairs area was a little less intimidating. It was only 20' tall and had a lot of smaller bouldering challenges to warm up with. Bouldering, is climbing that is done close to the ground and is a good way to build strength, power and technique for climbing and does not require instruction. After about a half hour of figuring out footwork and movement along the wall, I was ready to start climbing.

With Jonathon belaying me, I was ready to top rope climb with the big boys. The top rope system consists of a climber tied into one end of the rope, the rope runs up through a set of anchors at the top of the climb then down to the belayer. The belayer's job is to take the slack out of the system as the climber goes up a route. Using a special device attached to the harness, the belayer can take in slack, hold a climber's fall, and lower the climber back to the ground when they are finished with the route. I did 4 top-rope climbs in total. The last of which was on the big wall. After a while, my hands started to give out. They weren't prepared for the stress that was put on them.

I plan on going back soon. It was an adrenaline rush to get to the top and look down at what you conquered. One day I hope to be as good as all the beautiful, trendy climbers that surrounded me tonight.

Don't get me wrong, a comfortable life is really not that bad. But I needed a change. I had just gotten out of a relationship and I was feeling pretty drained. I felt like I had been slowly shutting myself down. I was exhausted, I was bitter, I was angry that my life felt ordinary. Feeling as if my time was running out, I realized quickly that the window for many unbelievable experiences is only open for a limited time.

As I'm sure some of you may have noticed, I've been writing a lot lately about a "list." It started out innocently enough by my friend and roommate Chris having an idea of listing out things he wanted to accomplish in the new year. It was New Years Day after all, and it was appropriate to come up with resolutions. As the ideas slowly developed, it became much more than resolutions. It became a list of narratives to live out.

There were 2 guidelines to follow: 1)It had to be within reason to accomplish and 2)it could not violate our morals/law. So with those guidelines we sat in a neighborhood bar in South City, brainstorming ideas for a bucket list to accomplish in a year. We grabbed a bar napkin and started writing. We asked the question "What would you like to do with your life before the end of the year?" to our waitress, our bartender, and after changing locations, to a table of 4 attractive, college age women.

(Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking this sounds a lot like the show on MTV right now and my response is: "yeah, you're right." In our defense the show had not come out until a month after we started. And if Chris knew anything of the show beforehand I was completely oblivious to it.)

Anyways, when we drafted the initial list, the three of us said we would all do it. Aric quickly bailed, and I dragged my feet for a few weeks. Meanwhile, Chris started living with purpose after that night. I saw him sacrifice, be humbled, gain confidence, and find joy with it. In that I found my motivation to finally join him.

A few other things happened that really got me moving, I'll share those stories one day. But for now, here it is: my 2010 bucket list. 52 things I hope to accomplish by years end. There are a lot of items listed that are intended to challenge my comfort level or challenge me physically. There are also a few things that I've always wanted to do in addition to a few soft-balls to keep me rolling. I'll try to write about each one as they come along. I've completed 10 so far, so my list is far from complete.

If you find yourself thinking of drafting a list, consider this question: Who do you want to be this year?

All the best,
James

(P.S. Oh also, if any of these interest you and you'd like to do it with me, send me a message or comment below)

1.     Write a song and perform it at an open mic night

2.     Encourage at least one person a day for a week

3.     Mentor someone by year’s end

4.     Read a book a month (one month read a book with a friend and have a discussion on it)

5.     Blog at least once a week for 3 months

6.     Have a “yes” day

7.     Have a friend make all decisions for 24 hours

8.     Read the bible in a year

9.     Paint something

10.   Write a short story

11.   Fast for 24 hours

12.   Go to a winery

13.   1 month without vice*

14.   2 month alcohol fast

15.   Take a train trip spur of the moment

16.   Take my camera everywhere for 1 month

17.   Digital Cleanse

18.   Weekend Trip somewhere new

19.   Hike

20.   Kayak

21.   Mountain Bike on a trail

22.   Right a wrong

23.   See my grandpa’s grave

24.   Skydive with Matt

25.   Rock climb at upper limits

26.   Embarrass Aric in public

27.   Go to Soulard Market

28.   Captain a team for Mission St. Louis

29.   Camp alone at Huzzah (end of March, April)

30.   Go to Cardinals Opening Day

31.   Put this list on display

32.   Surprise Someone

33.   Journal every day

34.   Deer Hunt

35.   Invest in 401K

36.   Enroll in Grad School

37.   5 in 5 *

38.   Buy Keg Beer & host a party- see what happens/who comes over

39.   Fast Eddie’s

40.   Read a book in one day

41.   Smoke Pipe Tobacco

42.   Grow a plant

43.   Be 100% opinionated on everything for 1 day

44.   Shave my head

45.   Offer to do a favor for someone I really don’t want to do

46.   Make a decision based on Paper,Rock,Scizzors

47.   Run a 5K

48.   Theology at the bottleworks

49.   Cannot spend money for an entire week

50.   Meet Matt Holiday

51.   Friends choice

52.   52 Tattoo if list is completed

*Details not important

I spent some time this week reflecting on the people in my life that are important and the people that need encouragement. By nature, I think most people are self-absorbed and it's one of my least favorite qualities.

A lack of encouragement is often at the root of a variety of ills that bog down relationships or stunt the work of progress. Giving a word of encouragement has never came easy to me. In a way, I've always figured that a person should just know how I feel or that their praises should come from someone else. When I take a look at the root cause, it really boils down to a lack of humility.

This week I spent all seven days encouraging at least one person a day. Some were easy, some were hard and awkward. The point of it all was to buoy relationships with a taste of gratitude and a word of support. Gratitude and encouragement is a fuel that can keep people in our life running and that's what I hope I accomplished this week.

Say your thank-you's to the people in your life that got you where you're at. Praise the people that are fighting the good fight and often times go unnoticed. This can be done with a simple text, phone call, post it note in the morning, email, or best in person. So take some time, give a someone a good word.

I had a conversation with a stranger tonight that got me thinking; this is a wild trip we're all on. What steers us and shapes us into whom we are is a complicated matter. The way events intersect or run parallel with one another can alter our course. Often, when we look back on things, it’s easy to identify turning points that changed us. But sometimes it’s problematic to see what has shaped our present condition because the story is still being played out. My story is radically different from yours, and yours different from the next person.

Anyways, tonight was a reminder that people can change for the better and that it’s not always the opposite. The guy I met up with tonight realized there was a problem in his life and the only way he was going to overcome it was to remove himself from the environment that led him there. That takes balls.

I've been thinking a lot lately about who I want to be and who I currently am. I’m sleeping less and less because of it. The reason why is because I know it will take some heavy lifting to change things about myself. I consider myself this: irony personified. That was a humbling revelation to write out.

One of my favorite quotes is from Brennan Manning’s Ragamuffin Gospel;

When I get honest, I admit I am a bundle of paradoxes. I believe and I doubt, I hope and get discouraged, I love and I hate, I feel bad about feeling good, I feel guilty about not feeling guilty. I am trusting and suspicious. I am honest and I still play games.

I guess my point to all of this is that I want to fix the indiscretion there seems to be between my ideals and my reality. I’ve created a gulf that can only be shored up by me. Part of the reason me and my roommate are doing the bucket list in a year is to make a conscious effort to get uncomfortable and see what we learn from new experiences.

As my roommate told me “You’re only on this earth once, might as well get weird with it.”

It started out with me and two friends sitting in a South City pub writing on a bar napkin a list of 52 things for my friend to do by year end, but grew into something much more. It was so intriguing to me that I decided maybe I should take a turn and write out a list of things to accomplish. So within the next few days I'm going to shape up my list and then massage it down to fit within the realm of possibilities for 2010. More to come...