A Drifter Among Us

When God needs to speak to you, he speaks into parts of your life you either don't expect or, more probable, into the parts of your life not yet turned over to him.

And Moses said to the people, “Fear not, stand firm, and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the Egyptians whom you see today, you shall never see again. The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.” Exodus 14:13-14

A month back I read this verse while reading my way through the bible this year. And while it read pretty and powerful and oddly relevant, I tucked it away and continued on. Weeks came and went; life was good. I was feeling liberated from some of the pressures I had felt. Like a sponge to water, my issues had finally felt absorbed. And then - BAM!!! I was wrung out. Having been told something that sent me into an emotional coma for a day or so, I felt the helplessness that the people of Israel felt. What I went through was nothing I haven't felt before: Fear, Anxiety, Anger, Malice. The emotions were more intense this time. I couldn't fight for myself, I needed someone else to.

In that moment I couldn't see what the salvation of the Lord looked like. My emotions had temporarily blinded me. If I'm honest with you, and I think you deserve that, I've been living in fear for years. I had learned to mask it well to the casual observer. When, in my blindness, I was forced to deal with my fear, I learned how deep the roots of it had become.

Isn't it ironic the things we fear are the same things we respect? It just looks a little different. For instance, you cannot have a fear of heights without having a respect of how miniscule you are when towering 500 feet above something. Those who have a healthy fear (i.e. being afraid, not living in fear) are those who have proportionate veneration. So when contemplating fear, one must also give thought to where/who/what too much reverence is being given to.

In my comatose state, I reflected on this. I had just heard a sermon the previous Saturday regarding how affirmation idols (those people or things we seek affirmation from) can cause people to live in fear (being driven by their fear) and I was sure I was getting to the root of it. So as I sorted through my personal inventory, I identified that I value acceptance from people way too much. This is no surprise; I've written about it before here.

"Ok, great. I already know that about myself. So what's my fear? Why am I so driven to earn people's acceptance? Why am I wrecked when I don't recieve it?" My inner dialogue was revved up pretty rampant at that point. *sigh* "So what is it?"

Rejection.
Complete rejection.
The nothing-you-ever-do-will-be-good-enough-rejection.

"Wow... I need to see a counselor.....Where's my bourbon?"

Out of my fear of rejection I had built walls that, in return, had constructed rooms, many of which I was uncognizant of. My fear had driven me to shallowness in the relationships I was in. It had pushed many people away. The people that most wanted my attention were the people I avoided. I had returned the hurt that I felt. My fear had driven me into a viscous, repeating cycle. People reacted to me differently, which caused anger to swell up inside of me. My anger was a result of feeling the need to be in power at all times, and when I wasn't, bitterness and malice took control.

I'm just now understanding the extent of my brokenness.

Coming out of my "emotional coma," I felt a renewed peace about things. I wasn't going to heal if I didn't let go of the emotional baggage that was robbing me. The only thing in life worth fearing, is God. A healthy fear is caused by a healthy respect. Knowing that I'm accepted by God, not because of anything I did or can ever do, but on account of Jesus' sacrifice on the cross. That's a sobering idea to let your heart take grasp of.

Anger towards people will kill you emotionally,spiritually, and physically. When you are fast to anger then something is wrong. It is usually a result of an underlying issue. For me it was a result of losing control of people's actions or their reaction to the things I said or did. The way to purge anger from your life is by showing kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness. That last one is hard for me. It's hard because it is a conscious decision to absorb the wrong done to you. BUT, having received forgiveness, it's wrong not to offer that myself.

Anxiousness is a byproduct of these things. The way you deal with anxiety is through prayer and a lumination of God's goodness.

 "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."-Phillipians 4:4-7

Fear not, stand firm, GROW A PAIR and see the salvation of the Lord, which he will work for you today. For the FEAR, ANGER, NEGLECT, ANXIETY,  etc. whom you see today, you shall never see again.

These things were worked out for me in my time of solidarity. Maybe that's what the heart needs sometimes.

The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent.

Baseball spring training has been under way for a little over 2 weeks now, and I have to admit, I love this time of year. I love thinking of how each team enters into the season with a fresh slate, with hopes of making a run to post-season play. Every fan wonders if this could be the year their team wins it all. This feeling only lasts a little while though, because after opening day, teams will no longer be tied. As the season progresses it becomes obvious, more and more, who the real contenders are. Finally the season ends with the spoils going to the victors and the 29 other teams looking on.

Alright, enough with the baseball talk for now. What I really want to get at is something that has come up in a book I just finished reading.(Wild at Heart) It's the idea of the "false self." For almost all of us, we are wounded. And most of the time the wound isn't shallow, but deep down into the core. The wound comes from our fathers or mothers. It comes from the scorn of a lover. It comes from neglect or embarrassment. It comes from never receiving the answers to our deep questions. "From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self."

I've been doing a lot of soul searching the past year. I guess it comes natural when you move out of the time of your life where you experience your "firsts." (first kiss,first car,first day of college, first drink, etc.) I came out of that time of my life with a lot of questions still that I have no answers to. Who am I really? What am I passionate about? Where do I find my adventure? Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful? Can I really love and be loved?

"Until a man knows he's a man he will forever be trying to prove he is one. while at the same time shrink from anything that might reveal he is not."
Somewhere, some way, I've forgotten my name. I tried to make up for it and find my identity in other ways. Music. School. Religion. Women. Unfortunately these have yielded unwelcome results. Cynicism. A biting sarcasm. Solitude. Selfishness. Narcissism. A sense of entitlement. But worse of all, I've picked up a need of affirmation.

I want to be well thought of, well-respected, and loved by everyone. I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. That usually means either lying, hurting someone else indirectly, or shrugging off things because it fits my "go with the flow" mentality. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've lost my spine and backed down from a fight or disagreement that needed to happen. I'm a bitch...but a well liked bitch.

This isn't who I want to be and it sure as hell isn't who I think God made me to be.

Wow. I just had a body shake. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now. But that's good every now and then.

To be honest with you, I'm fine to admit all of that. The problem I have is that I want to turn my inadequacies towards something. I take my few gifts that work for me, and I try to live off them. The impostor is my plan for salvation. More often then not, relationships are where we turn.

In Wild at Heart, John Eldredge warns,

"As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, these places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well...Stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her...A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name."

It may be getting ahead of myself, but I also look at Spring Training as a result of the year before. Players,coaches, managers,executives on mission to avenge the loss from the year before. You see, they start over with an awareness of what happened but an opportunity for something new. And that's where I want to put my focus on, the excitement and sense of wonder that comes from fresh starts.

In a way #44 on my list was symbolic. A fresh start. Shaving off all the old to make way for the new.



In each of us there is a blank canvas that holds the promise of action,life,and color. It is this redeeming quality that has lead many men and women to take drastic actions. There is a deep desire within us to spur the soul and it usually requires great tension to accomplish. Your canvas awaits to be explored, ventured, and filled.

I'll end this post with a Psalm that rang true to me this week.

"Behold you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart." -Psalm 51:6