A Drifter Among Us

Baseball spring training has been under way for a little over 2 weeks now, and I have to admit, I love this time of year. I love thinking of how each team enters into the season with a fresh slate, with hopes of making a run to post-season play. Every fan wonders if this could be the year their team wins it all. This feeling only lasts a little while though, because after opening day, teams will no longer be tied. As the season progresses it becomes obvious, more and more, who the real contenders are. Finally the season ends with the spoils going to the victors and the 29 other teams looking on.

Alright, enough with the baseball talk for now. What I really want to get at is something that has come up in a book I just finished reading.(Wild at Heart) It's the idea of the "false self." For almost all of us, we are wounded. And most of the time the wound isn't shallow, but deep down into the core. The wound comes from our fathers or mothers. It comes from the scorn of a lover. It comes from neglect or embarrassment. It comes from never receiving the answers to our deep questions. "From the place of our woundedness we construct a false self."

I've been doing a lot of soul searching the past year. I guess it comes natural when you move out of the time of your life where you experience your "firsts." (first kiss,first car,first day of college, first drink, etc.) I came out of that time of my life with a lot of questions still that I have no answers to. Who am I really? What am I passionate about? Where do I find my adventure? Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful? Can I really love and be loved?

"Until a man knows he's a man he will forever be trying to prove he is one. while at the same time shrink from anything that might reveal he is not."
Somewhere, some way, I've forgotten my name. I tried to make up for it and find my identity in other ways. Music. School. Religion. Women. Unfortunately these have yielded unwelcome results. Cynicism. A biting sarcasm. Solitude. Selfishness. Narcissism. A sense of entitlement. But worse of all, I've picked up a need of affirmation.

I want to be well thought of, well-respected, and loved by everyone. I will do whatever it takes to make that happen. That usually means either lying, hurting someone else indirectly, or shrugging off things because it fits my "go with the flow" mentality. I can't begin to tell you how many times I've lost my spine and backed down from a fight or disagreement that needed to happen. I'm a bitch...but a well liked bitch.

This isn't who I want to be and it sure as hell isn't who I think God made me to be.

Wow. I just had a body shake. I'm feeling pretty vulnerable right now. But that's good every now and then.

To be honest with you, I'm fine to admit all of that. The problem I have is that I want to turn my inadequacies towards something. I take my few gifts that work for me, and I try to live off them. The impostor is my plan for salvation. More often then not, relationships are where we turn.

In Wild at Heart, John Eldredge warns,

"As we walk away from the false self, we will feel vulnerable and exposed. We will be sorely tempted to turn to our comforters for some relief, these places that we've found solace and rest. Because so many of us turned to woman for our sense of masculinity, we must walk away from her as well...Stop looking to her to validate you, stop trying to make her come through for you, stop trying to get your answer from her...A man needs a much bigger orbit than a woman. He needs a mission, a life purpose, and he needs to know his name."

It may be getting ahead of myself, but I also look at Spring Training as a result of the year before. Players,coaches, managers,executives on mission to avenge the loss from the year before. You see, they start over with an awareness of what happened but an opportunity for something new. And that's where I want to put my focus on, the excitement and sense of wonder that comes from fresh starts.

In a way #44 on my list was symbolic. A fresh start. Shaving off all the old to make way for the new.



In each of us there is a blank canvas that holds the promise of action,life,and color. It is this redeeming quality that has lead many men and women to take drastic actions. There is a deep desire within us to spur the soul and it usually requires great tension to accomplish. Your canvas awaits to be explored, ventured, and filled.

I'll end this post with a Psalm that rang true to me this week.

"Behold you delight in truth in the inward being, and you teach me wisdom in the secret heart." -Psalm 51:6